I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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