Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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