my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
