Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
