The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
