masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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