Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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