She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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