Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
