I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
