I smell stomach acid.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
