but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
