I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
