Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
