we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
