SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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