i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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