this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
