he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
