K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
