I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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