There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
