You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
