Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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