i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
