you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
