Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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