This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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