i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
