I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
