You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
