bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
