I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
