On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
