This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
