I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He? As in you personified your dick?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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