I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
