Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
