Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
