um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
