you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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