The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
