i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
