my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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