Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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