my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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