The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
