Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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