My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
