How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
