I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
