he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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